Caramel Frappuccino

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

Like a drill sergeant screaming at me with a gravel-filled voice, the iPhone beside me scared my eyes open. The thoughts that ensue after the rude interruption of great dreams have normally to do with drowsy procrastination or cranky annoyance. But this time the only thing in my empty mind was getting my sister Starbucks before church. The unwarranted thought paired with the normal tendency to not think of others at first wake made me believe this kind gesture to be from the Lord. It was about time I pumped gas anyway and why not visit the small sugar bomb filled gas station store to resupply on unnecessarily expensive things? The issue was time. My father led a Romans class during the first service and my mother, being the children's director, also left the house early. This meant that if I wanted to make it to church for my dad’s lesson I would need to leave even earlier, stand in a miserable coffee line, and shiver uncontrollably as I wait for my car’s thirst to be quenched. After a brief conversation with the barista and some frustration at my phone’s inability to connect to the car’s Bluetooth, I headed towards the gas station. Halfway there my father called and requested I turn back if possible to collect vital recording equipment he’d forgotten. Being but minutes from home I immediately thought this to be the reason generous coffee was on my mind. After staring at the disturbing number on the gas pump, I headed back home, a smile growing on my face. I was like a movie character about to launch into a race to save the day. Reality kicked me out of the storyline, however, as I was forced to pull over for a fleet of firetrucks, likely racing for more noble reasons than I. After being guilt-tripped by our dog and more frustration at my Bluetooth’s incapability to communicate, I set off to finally make the thirty-minute commute, equipment secured. The thought arose that perhaps the emergency vehicles were being used by God to check my trust in Him. Reflecting on my current life, I concluded that God must have orchestrated this whole morning as a reminder. 

Having just graduated college, the future was uncertain. I had gotten in touch with an opportunity that required a lot of trust in God’s faithful guidance. Sitting in the car driving through intersections with green-turning lights, my confidence in Him was strong. I believed with all my heart that God was going to get me to church precisely at 9:30. I believed He would get me to church on time as a symbol of Him bringing about the future I had devised in my head. It was a strange feeling not to have a shred of doubt. But as I switched lanes to take an exit off the highway, I found myself slowing to an unhealthy speed behind a car that was evidently not a DMV native. And as almost every light before me turned red, my eyes began glancing more frequently to the ever-ticking time. The car noticed my fear starting to build as I began restlessly shifting gears back and forth behind unhurried cars. Finally breaking free to the final light, the car groaned a little louder, displaying my foot’s toxic relationship with the pedal. And in true traffic fashion, my frustrated face showed redder than the stubborn light ahead of me. Making the final turn, the ice on the road led my car to drift as if I were a Fast & Furious character in the midst of saving the world. But as I halted in front of the church to hand the now questionable-looking coffee and jolted camera batteries over to my sister, I didn’t feel like a hero. It was 9:33. Was this all made up in my head? Had I failed to believe? Did I not have enough faith? Like a camera going in and out of focus, my mind had difficulty giving full attention to my the words of my dad in his class. All I could think about was my unsure future. What went wrong? After a while, though, it clicked. 

Being prepared, organized, and seemingly omniscient when it comes to my life is comfortable for me. God showed me a trail in life and I analyzed, researched, and brainstormed the hike; my future. I had taken binoculars and attempted to glimpse and map out the path ahead. I was not racing the car for coffee and camera batteries. I was racing for comfort and safety. Three minutes wasn’t 180 seconds late, it was God saying no. No to my plans. No to my desire for clarity. No to my impulse to first understand. I was afraid that if what God had in store was not what I planned, I would be disappointed. But as I looked around at the people in the class, the cameras recording, and my sister sipping her caramel frappuccino I realized that the three minutes late affected nothing. All the vigor to see my 9:30 plan lived out didn’t matter. 

Sometimes I find myself focusing so much on a goal that I’ve constructed in my head that I aim to understand and guess the end before it even starts. That is not faith. God often gives us a direction not a destination. If we knew the end we wouldn’t need faith. Faith means believing that no matter what happens, it’s in God’s hands. When we hyper-focus on the journey we think we want, we frequently find ourselves questioning and even doubting God. Be present, do not worry about tomorrow, and enjoy the unrevealed adventure God takes you on.