Unconditional

It’s Sunday evening as I’m writing this, and I’m encouraged because I once again in my up and down life experienced God. Over the past few weeks, I had been living a dark and anxious life. Dark because I felt broken and anxious because I allowed the lies of being unloveable to creep through my mind. I felt as if I had lost progress in my walk with Christ because of a seemingly regressive life. I felt as if the sanctification I had been experiencing in the past was now undoing itself and Christ was getting further and further away. It's funny how the devil has a way of using human logic and worldly wisdom to mess with you. It’s funny how at one time I can be telling children that there’s nothing that can separate them from the love of Christ and then believe in my heart that Christ has abandoned and bricked off his love from me. It’s funny how even though every part of the true word tells me that God loves me, I still doubt because my earthly mind has believed the deceiving word that I have gone too far. I had moments throughout the week like when I silently cried out to God, and he made my roommate's guitar which is an inanimate object move right next to me, or when I read my bible and the words of God’s love my filled soul, or when the memories of past experiences with Him filled my mind. But they were mere toothpicks against an iron wall that was my heart. The doubt was too strong and the devil's lies were too loud. I was having nightmares night after night of wickedness and despair and of a grey and sin-filled life. This morning I woke up to my alarm ringing, and I opened my eyes. I had told my friends the other day that I was going with them to church but in that moment I was tired. The temptation to text them from the comfort of my bed, “hey guys, I’m actually gonna skip this time.” loomed over me. But I knew the regret that would come of it, so I slouched out of bed and got ready. I took a longer-than-expected shower and texted my friends that they could leave without me and that I’d drive myself and meet them there. I got in my car and started driving only to get stopped at almost every red light. My first instinct was to be irritated, but my heart told me to listen. I knew God was using the lights for something but I didn’t know what. I said “okay” and during the drive prepared my heart for the clarification of why God was making me late. I found my friends and sat with them as the last songs were finishing, but my heart held no worship. The songs were simply empty noises and the voices but sound from people. As the Pastor started to speak, God spoke. The sermon was in Matthew twelve and was about the law. I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was God’s words being spoken to me through the pastor. “You have no right to add to what the bible is saying, or subtract to what the bible is saying.” Later he said, and I’ve paraphrased and translated in the words I understood it: If you don’t understand that the law is a gift, maybe just maybe, the reason you are like this, is because you believe that if you do what is right, God won’t leave you. God slapped me in the face. I had asked him to reveal what the problem was and he did. Time and time again, I had been giving into the lie that my actions determined God’s love for me. I can only be loved by what I give. In my heart I was adding to the bible. I was telling myself that yes God loves me, but no, because you are you, he can’t. Christ’s love is unconditional and it calls not for perfection but simply for you. That is the good news. Even though we are helpless and unable to reach God’s standard, He sees us through Christ’s blood and loves us nonetheless.