Wounded Heart

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. 

Isaiah 53:3

They say your first love can form your attachment style. Supposedly, the way you initially experienced love sets expectations. This notion made me laugh. Two years of guessing, twenty-four months of jealousy, one hundred and four weeks of constant anxiety had wrecked me, yes, but I was a boy then. It’s been a decade, and my body has shed enough old skins that whatever hurt might have layered deep has surely died, dried, and gone. Right?

As my glazed eyes search the jigsaw puzzle of scars within, I begin to see the picture God is confronting me with. The wounded heart within still bleeds. They haven’t scabbed and peeled with time. No. The open gashes leak from my heart, directing my thoughts and mind. 

As I analyze my latter relationships, I’m gutted with recognition. I so clearly see how the damaged roots have grown a disfigured understanding of love. Overthinking, desire for affirmation, jealousy, and constantly writing false narratives to feel the betrayal before it happens have reflected the attachment style that, for years, caused so much pain. 

But this is exactly where the Lord has been teaching me. Instinct screams overthink, but rejoice is whispered. Flesh desires protective prediction, but He asks me to give thanks. Anxiety begs for affirmation. He urges me to trust. Though I often cry to Him in anger, He brings me to the reality within the slow suffering.

Though He could easily heal us in a moment, allowing our Heavenly Father into the bleeding wounds is a painful yet wonderful opportunity to know Him. God is especially near to the broken and will surely meet those who cry out. It is in desperation that we encounter Him most easily, and in pain that we most loudly hear His whisper. His Spirit desires to walk actively with us to reprogram the broken into wholeness. 

Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:1-3

Illustration by Anna Rendall